Before starting the session with my parents, I found myself in a strangely unsettling position. Despite my experience guiding clients through difficult conversations about long-term care and end-of-life planning, approaching these topics with my own parents felt far more complicated on an emotional level because of our close relationship.
In contrast to my own hesitancy, my parents were surprisingly ready to begin. I took a breath and turned to the MyLegacy@LifeSG portal, translating the first question for my mother: “Do you have any concerns about your health?”
Why We Had This Conversation
1. A Health Wake-Up Call
The immediate reason was my father’s recent medical episode. We had previously completed their Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA), and I have routinely encouraged my senior clients to formalise their ACPs. Yet, I found myself procrastinating when it came to helping my own parents, until my father’s health scare made it clear that I could not keep postponing this conversation. Thankfully, he is now in remission and gradually regaining his health. The experience, combined with what he witnessed during his hospital stay, made him more open to discussing issues related to illness and mortality. My parents had also already begun talking about long-term care while he was ill, which eased the facilitation process for me.
2. Preserving Family Harmony
Having this discussion also aimed to ensure that my two brothers and I are unified in understanding their wishes, whether for care or for funeral arrangements. It helps prevent misunderstandings or conflicting actions during challenging times. It is my personal wish to prevent a situation where their wishes were sometimes shared only in passing, leading to differing interpretations among us. This session gave me the chance to listen to their individual preferences, rather than simply assuming they had the same expectations. I am also able to document them in their respective MyLegacy@LifeSG portal and share them with my brothers.
To my surprise, I discovered that my parents actually hold quite distinct visions for both care and funeral arrangements. For instance, when asked what element of care is important, my mother requested a wall filled with family photographs, giving her a sense of our presence. My father, on the other hand, simply wishes for frequent outings to exercise or visit the park. While my mother prefers a traditional Chinese Hokkien wake, my father would like something much simpler. My mother’s preference is to be buried for as long as possible because she is “afraid of fire,” whereas my father is “cool” about being cremated. Interestingly, my mother’s preferences mirror what she did for her own mother. Having this knowledge means we can honour their true wishes when the time comes.
Sharing With My Siblings
I did not inform my brothers of my intention to conduct this session ahead of time, so when I shared the details of my parents’ wishes in our family group chat, it came as quite a surprise to them. There was a moment when they thought that something had happened to our parents. We had a good laugh about it afterwards, and ultimately, this brought us closer and provided the clarity we all needed.
Reflections
Looking back, I am grateful I finally took this important step with my parents. My siblings are now aligned, and while my parents’ preferences may evolve, I believe they both feel greater peace of mind having voiced their wishes and hearing each other’s thoughts.
It also struck me that, for many married couples, conversations about life, illness, and end-of-life decisions seldom happen after wedding vows are exchanged. Taking the time to have these discussions can make a meaningful difference for the whole family.
This is an original article written by Loh Yong Cheng, Deputy Head of Advisory at Providend, Southeast Asia’s first fee-only wealth advisory firm.
If you’re thinking about starting this important discussion with your own family, explore our resources on advance care planning here:
1. Later-Life Planning: Living Your Later Life with Dignity
2. The Importance of End-of-Life Planning
3. Meaningful Walk Through End-of-Life Planning with Mum
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Through deep conversations with our advisers, you will gain clarity on what matters most in life and what needs to be done to live a good life, both financially and non-financially. Learn more about our wealth management philosophy here.
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